The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 7. REPETITION

I WASNT SURE WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE Was I trying to stir myself keister into the zombie stupor? Had I turned masochisticdeveloped a taste for torture? I should stand g champion straight floor to La fight d profess I felt much, much healthier ab bulge Jacob This was not a healthy thing to do. yet I continued to drive slowly nap the oergrown lane, twisting through the trees that arched all over me handle a green, living tunnel My manpower were shaking, so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel.I knew that divulge of the reason I did this was the nightmare, at once that I was in truth awake, the nothingness of the dream gnawed on my nerves, a dog worrying a bone. on that point was something to search for. Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted just now he was step forward t present, somew here(predicate). I had to believe that.The new(prenominal) part was the strange sense of repetition Id felt at school today, the coincidence of the date. The t one of component parting that I was starting overperhaps the bureau my first day would perk up gone if Id re totallyy been the most unusual individual in the cafeteria that afternoon.The words ran through my spot, tone slightly, trust I was reading them rather than assaying them spokenIt pass on be as if Id never existed.I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into ripe devil parts. I didnt want to admit the strongest motivation. Because it was mentally unsound.The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again, desire I had in the strange delusion Friday night. For that brief moment, when his voice came from some different part of me than my conscious memory, when his voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories commonly produced, I was able to remember with come forth pain. It hadnt lasted the pain had caught up with me, as I was undisputable it would for this fools errand. tho those loved moments when I could hear him again were an irresistible lure. I had to give a focussing some way to repeat the realize or maybe the better word was episode.I was hoping that dj vu was the key. So I was passage to his home, a place I hadnt been since my ill-fated birthday party, so many months ago.The thick, almost jungle- give care growth crawled slowly old my windows. The drive wound on and on. I started to go faster, croakting edgy. How yearn had I been driving? Shouldnt I consent reached the house yet? The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar.What if I couldnt find it? I shivered. What if in that location was no tangible proof at all?Then there was the go to pieces in the trees that I was looking for, only it was not so pronounced as before. The flora here did not wait abundant to reclaim any land that was left unguarded. The tall ferns had infiltrated the meadow nigh the house, crowding against the trunks of the cedars, even the wide porch. It was homogeneous the lawn had be en flooded cannon-highwith green, feathery waves.And the house was there, precisely it was not the same. though nothing had changed on the eruptside, the emptiness screamed from the blank windows. It was creepy. For the first condemnation since Id correspondn the beautiful house, it looked like a adaption haunt for vampires.I hit the brackens, looking away. I was afraid to go farther.But nothing happened. No voice in my head.So I left the engine streamlet and jumped out into the fern sea. peradventure, like Friday night, if I walked forwardI approached the barren, va potentiometert face slowly, my hand truck rumbling out a comforting ululate behind me. I stopped when I got to the porch stairs, because there was nothing here. No lingering sense of their front of his presence. The house was solidly here, but it soakedt little. Its concrete reality would not counteract the nothingness of the nightmares.I didnt go any closer. I didnt want to look in the windows. I wasnt sure w hich would be harder to see. If the rooms were bare, let out empty from floor to ceiling, that would certainly hurt. Like my grandmothers funeral, when my mother had insisted that I stay outside during the viewing. She had said that I didnt need to see Gran that way, to remember her that way, rather than alive.But wouldnt it be worse if there were no change? If the couches sat unspoilt as Id last seen them, the paintings on the wallsworse facilitate, the piano on its low syllabus? It would be second only to the house disappearing all to dismayher, to see that there was no tangible possession that tied them in anyway. That everything remained, untouched and forgotten, behind them.Just like me.I turned my sticker on the gaping emptiness and hurried to my truck. I almost ran. I was anxious to be gone, to get back to the human world. I felt hideously empty, and I wanted to see Jacob. Maybe I wasdeveloping a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn t care. I pushed my truck as fast as it would go as I barreled toward my fix.Jacob was waiting for me. My chest seeed to unloose as soon as I saw him, making it easier to breathe.Hey, Bella, he discovered.I smiled in relief. Hey, Jacob, I waved at Billy, who was looking out the window.Lets get to work, Jacob said in a low but glowing voice.I was somehow able to trick. You seriously arent sick of me yet? I wondered. He must be starting to ask himself how desperate I was for company.Jacob led the way around the house to his garage.Nope. Not yet. enchant let me slam when I start getting on your nerves. I dont want to be a pain.Okay. He laughed, a throaty sound. I wouldnt hold your breath for that, though.When I walked into the garage, I was shocked to see the red bike standing up, looking like a motorcycle rather than a locoweed of jagged metal.Jake, youre amazing, I breathed.He laughed again. I get obsessive when I have a project. He shrugged. If I had any brains Id drag it out a little bit.Why?He looked down, pausing for so long that I wondered if he hadnt heard my question. Finally, he asked me, Bella, if I told you that I couldnt fix these bikes, what would you say?I didnt event right away, either, and he glanced up to check my expression.I would say thats too bad, but Ill bet we could general anatomy out something else to do. If we got really desperate, we could even do homework.Jacob smiled, and his shoulders relaxed. He sat down next to the bike and picked up a wrench. So you think youll still come over when Im done, then?Is that what you meant? I shook my head. I guess I am taking advantage of your very underpriced mechanical skills. But as long as you let me come over, Ill be here.Hoping to see Quil again? he teased.You caught me.He chuckled. You really like spending time with me? he asked, marveling.Very, very much. And Ill prove it. I have to work tomorrow, but Wednesday well do something nonmechanical.Like what?I have no idea. We bed go to my place so you wont be tempted to be obsessive. You could bring your schoolworkyou have to be getting behind, because I know I am.Homework might be a good idea. He do a face, and I wondered how much he was leaving ruined to be with me.Yes, I agreed. Well have to start cosmos responsible occasionally, or Billy and Charlie arent pass to be so easygoing more or less this. I made a gesture indicating the two of us as a single entity. He liked thathe beamed.Homework once a week? he proposed.Maybe wed better go with twice, I suggested, thinking of the pile Id just been as patsyed today.He sighed a arduous sigh. Then he reached over his toolbox to a paper grocery sack. He pulled out two cans of soda, cracking one open and handing it to me. He opened the second, and held it up ceremoniously.Heres to responsibility, he toasted. Twice a week.And mindlessness every day in between, I emphasized.He grinned and touched his can to mine.I got home ulterior than Id planned and found Charlie had ordered a pizza rather than wait for me. He wouldnt let me apologize.I dont mind, he assured me. You deserve a break from all the cooking, anyway.I knew he was just improve that I was still acting like a normal person, and he was not almost to conte invest the boat.I checked my e-mail before I started on my homework, and there was a long one from Renee. She gushed over every detail Id provided her with, so I sent back another exhaustive exposition of my day. Everything but the motorcycles. Even happy-go-lucky Renee was likely to be alarmed by that.School Tuesday had its ups and downs. Angela and Mike seemed pitch to welcome me back with open armsto kindly overlook my few months of aberrant behavior. Jess was more resistant. I wondered if she unavoidable a formal written apology for the Port Angeles incident.Mike was animated and chatty at work. It was like hed stored up the semesters worth of talk, and it was all spilling out now. I found that I was able to smile and laug h with him, though it wasnt as effortless as it was with Jacob. It seemed harmless enough, until quitting time.Mike put the closed sign in the window while I folded my vest and shoved it under the counter.This was fun tonight, Mike said happily.Yeah, I agreed, though Id much rather have spent the afternoon in the garage.Its too bad that you had to leave the moving picture early last week.I was a little confused by his train of thought. I shrugged. Im just a wimp, I guess.What I mean is, you should go to a better movie, something youd enjoy, he explained.Oh, I muttered, still confused.Like maybe this Friday. With me. We could go see something that isnt scary at all.I bit my oral cavity.I didnt want to screw things up with Mike, not when he was one of the only people ready to forgive me for being batty. But this, again, felt far too familiar. Like the last year had never happened. I wished I had Jess as an excuse this time.Like a date? I asked. Honesty was probably the best insura nce policy at this point. Get it over with.He processed the tone of my voice If you want. But it doesnt have to be like that.I dont date, I said slowly, realizing how true that was. That whole world seemed impossibly distant.Just as friends? he suggested. His clear blue eye were not as eager now. I hoped he really meant that we could be friends anyway.That would be fun. But I actually have plans already this Friday, so maybe next week?What are you doing? he asked, less casually than I think he wanted to sound.Homework. I have a study session planned with a friend.Oh. Okay. Maybe next week.He walked me to my car, less exuberant than before. It reminded me so clearly of my first months in Forks. Id come full circle, and now everything felt like an echoan empty echo, devoid of the interest it used to have.The next night, Charlie didnt seem the smallest bit surprise to find Jacob and me sprawled crosswise the living room floor with our books scattered around us, so I guessed that he and Billy were public lecture behind our backs.Hey, kids, he said, his eyes straying to the kitchen. The smell of the lasagna Id spent the afternoon makingwhile Jacob watched and occasionally sampledwafted down the hall I was being good, trying to atone for all the pizza.Jacob stayed for dinner, and took a plate home for Billy. He grudgingly added another year to my negotiable age for being a good cook.Friday was the garage, and Saturday, after my call down at Newtons, was homework again. Charlie felt secure enough in my sanity to spend the day fishing with Harry. When he got back, we were all donefeeling very sensible and mature about it, tooand watching Monster Garage on the Discovery Channel.I probably ought to go. Jacob sighed. Its later than I thought.Okay, fine, I grumbled. Ill take you home.He laughed at my grudging expressionit seemed to please him.Tomorrow, back to work, I said as soon as we were safe in the truck. What time do you want me to come up? in that respect was a n unexplained excitement in his answering smile. Ill call you first, okay?Sure. I frowned to myself, wondering what was up. His smile widened.I cleaned the house the next morningwaiting for Jacob to call and trying to quaver off the Litest nightmare. The scenery had changed. Last night Id wandered in a wide sea of ferns interspersed with huge poison parsley trees. There was nothing else there, and I was lost, wandering aimless and alone, searching for nothing. I wanted to kick myself for the ill-advised field trip last week. I shoved the dream out of my conscious mind, hoping it would stay locked up somewhere and not escape again.Charlie was outside washing the cruiser, so when the phone rang, I dropped the toilet brush and ran infra to answer it.Hello? I asked breathlessly.Bella, Jacob said, a strange, formal tone to his voice.Hey, Jake.I believe that we have a date he said, his tone thick with implications.It took me a second before I got it. Theyre done? I cant believe it Wha t perfect timing. I needed something to distract me from nightmares and nothingness.Yeah, they run and everything.Jacob, you are absolutely, without a doubt, the most dexterous and wonderful person I know. You get ten years for this one.Cool Im middle-aged now.I laughed. Im on my way upI threw the cleaning supplies under the bathroom counter and grabbed my jacket. Headed to see Jake, Charlie said when I ran past him. It wasnt really a question.Yep, I replied as I jumped in my truck.Ill be at the station later, Charlie called after me.Okay, I yelled back, turning the key.Charlie said something else, but I couldnt hear him clearly over the roar of the engine. It sounded sort of like, Wheres the fire?I parked my truck off to the side of the Blacks house, close to the trees, to exonerate it easier for us to sneak the bikes out. When I got out, a splash of color caught my eyetwo shiny motorcycles, one red, one black, were vague under a spruce, invisible from the house. Jacob was prepa red.There was a piece of blue ribbon tied in a small bow around each of the handlebars. I was laughing at that when Jacob ran out of the house. spry? he asked in a low voice, his eyes sparkling.I glanced over his shoulder, and there was no sign of Billy.Yeah, I said, but I didnt feel quite as excited as before I was trying to imagine myself actually on the motorcycle.Jacob loaded the bikes into the bed of the truck with ease, laying them carefully on their sides so they didnt show.Lets go, he said, his voice higher than usual with excitement. I know the perfect spotno one go forth catch us there.We drove south out of town. The dirt road wove in and out of the forestsometimes there was nothing but trees, and then there would suddenly be a breathtaking glimpse of the Pacific Ocean, reaching to the horizon, fatal gray under the clouds. We were above the shore, on top of the lessenings that bordered the beach here and the view seemed to stretch on forever.I was driving slowly, so th at I could safely stare out across the ocean now and then, as the road wound closer to the sea cliffs. Jacob was talking about finishing the bikes, but his descriptions were getting technical, so I wasnt paying close attention.That was when I noticed 4 figures standing on a rocky ledge, much too close to the precipice. I couldnt tell from the distance how old they were, but I assumed they were men. Despite the chill in the air today, they seemed to be wearable only shorts.As I watched, the tallest person stepped closer to the brink. I slowed automatically, my foot hesitating over the brake pedal.And then he threw himself off the edge.No I shouted, stomping down on the brake.Whats wrong? Jacob shouted back, alarmed.That guyhe just jumped off the cliff Why didnt they stop him? Weve got to call an ambulance I threw open my door and started to get out, which made no sense at all. The fastest way to a phone was to drive back to Billys. But I couldnt believe what Id just seen. Maybe, s ubconsciously, I hoped I would see something different without the glass of the windshield in the way.Jacob laughed, and I spun to stare at him wildly. How could he be so calloused, so cold-blooded?Theyre just cliff diving, Bella. Recreation. La Push doesnt have a mall, you know. He was teasing, but there was a strange circular of irritation in his voice.Cliff diving? I repeated, dazed. I stared in disbelief as a second figure stepped to the edge, paused, and then very gracefully leaped into space. He fell for what seemed like an eternity to me, finally cutting smoothly into the dark gray waves below.Wow. Its so high. I slid back into my seat, still staring blanket(a) at the two remaining divers. It must be a hundred feet.Well, yeah, most of us jump from lower down, that rock that juts out from the cliff about halfway. He pointed out his window. The place he indicated did seem much more reasonable. Those guys are insane.Probably showing off how stout they are. I mean, really, it s freezing today. That piddle cant feel good. He made a disgruntled face, as if the stunt personally offended him. It move me a little. I would have thought Jacob was nearly impossible to upset.You jump off the cliff? I hadnt disoriented the us.Sure, sure. He shrugged and grinned. Its fun. A little scary, kind of a rush.I looked back at the cliffs, where the third gear figure was pacing the edge. Id never witnessed anything so reckless in all my life. My eyes widened, and I smiled. Jake, you have to take me cliff diving.He frowned back at me, his face disapproving. Bella, you just wanted to call an ambulance for surface-to-air missile, he reminded me. I was surprised that he could tell who it was from this distance.I want to try, I insisted, start ing to get out of the car again.Jacob grabbed my wrist. Not today, all right? Can we at least wait for a fastball day?Okay, fine, I agreed. With the door open, the glacial breeze was raising goose bumps on my arm. But I want to go soon .Soon. He rolled his eyes. Sometimes youre a little strange, Bella. Do you know that?I sighed. Yes.And were not jumping off the top.I watched, fascinated, as the third boy made a running start and flung himself farther into the empty air than the other two. He twisted and cartwheeled through space as he fell, like he was skydiving. He looked absolutely freeunthinking and utterly irresponsible.Fine, I agreed. Not the first time, anyway. today Jacob sighed.Are we going to try out the bikes or not? he demanded.Okay, okay, I said, tearing my eyes away from the last person waiting on the cliff. I put my seat belt back on and closed the door. The engine was still running, roaring as it idled. We started down the road again.So who were those guysthe crazy ones? I wondered.He made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat. The La Push gang.You have a gang? I asked. I realized that I sounded impressed.He laughed once at my reaction. Not like that. I swear, theyre like hall monitors gone ba d. They dont start fights, they keep the peace. He snorted. There was this guy from up somewhere by the Makah rez, big guy too, scary-looking. Well, word got around that he was selling meth to kids, and surface-to-air missile Uley and his disciples ran him off our land. Theyre all about our land, and tribe pride its getting ridiculous. The worst part is that the council takes them seriously. Embry said that the council actually meets with Sam. He shook his head, face full of resentment. Embry also heard from Leah Clearwater that they call themselves protectors or something like that.Jacobs hands were clenched into fists, as if hed like to hit something. Id never seen this side of him.I was surprised to hear Sam Uleys name. I didnt want it to bring back the images from my nightmare, so I made a quick observation to distract myself. You dont like them very much.Does it show? he asked sarcastically.Well It doesnt sound like theyre doing anything bad. I tried to soothe him, to make him cheerful again. Just sort of annoyingly goody-two- apparels for a gang.Yeah. concern is a good word. Theyre always showing offlike the cliff thing. They act like like, I dont know. Like tough guys. I was hanging out at the store with Embry and Quil once, last semester, and Sam came by with his followers, Jared and Paul. Quil said something, you know how hes got a big mouth, and it pissed Paul off. His eyes got all dark, and he sort of smiledno, he showed his odontiasis but he didnt smileand it was like he was so mad he was shaking or something. But Sam put his hand against Pauls chest and shook his head. Paul looked at him for a minute and calmed down. Honestly, it was like Sam was holding him backlike Paul was going to tear us up if Sam didnt stop him. He groaned. Like a bad western. You know, Sams a pretty big guy, hes twenty. But Pauls just sixteen, too, shorter than me and not as beefy as Quil. I think any one of us could take him.Tough guys, I agreed. I could see it in my he ad as he described it, and it reminded me of something a trio of tall, dark men standing very still and close together in my fathers living room. The picture was sideways, because my head was lying against the couch while Dr. Gerandy and Charlie leaned over me Had that been Sams gang?I spoke quickly again to frolic myself from the bleak memories. Isnt Sam a little too old for this kind of thing?Yeah. He was suppositious to go to college, but he stayed. And no one gave him any crap about it, either. The whole council pitch a fit when my sister turned down a partial scholarship and got married. But, oh no, Sam Uley can do no wrong.His face was set in unfamiliar lines of outrageoutrage and something else I didnt recognize at first.It all sounds really annoying and strange. But I dont get why youre taking it so personally. I peeked over at his face, hoping I hadnt offended him. He was suddenly calm, staring out the side window.You just missed the turn, he said in an even voice.I exec uted a very wide U-turn, nearly hitting a tree as my circle ran the truck halfway off the road.Thanks for the heads-up, I muttered as I started up the side road.Sorry, I wasnt paying attention.It was quiet for a brief minute.You can stop anywhere along here, he said softly.I pulled over and cut the engine. My ears rang in the serenity that followed. We both(prenominal) got out, and Jacob headed around to the back to get the bikes. I tried to read his expression. Something more was bothering him. Id hit a nerve.He smiled halfheartedly as he pushed the red bike to my side. Happy late birthday. Are you ready forthis?I think so. The bike suddenly looked intimidating, frightening, as I realized I would soon be astride it.Well take it slow, he promised. I gingerly leaned the motorcycle against the trucks fender while he went to get his.JakeI hesitated as he came back around the truck.Yeah?Whats really bothering you? About the Sam thing, I mean? Is there something else? I watched his fac e. He grimaced, but he didnt seem angry. He looked at the dirt and kicked his shoe against the front tire of his bike again and again, like he was keeping time.He sighed. Its just the way they discretion me. It creeps me out. The words started to rush out now. You know, the council is supposed to be made up of equals, but if there was a leader, it would be my dad. Ive never been able to figure out why people treat him the way they do. Why his opinion counts the most. Its got something to do with his father and his fathers father. My great-grandpa, Ephraim Black, was sort of the last chief we had, and they still see to Billy, maybe because of that.But Im just like everyone else. Nobody treats me special until now.That caught me off guard. Sam treats you special?Yeah, he agreed, looking up at me with troubled eyes. He looks at me like hes waiting for something like Im going to join his stupid gang someday. He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I nauseate it.You d ont have to join anything. My voice was angry. This was really upsetting Jacob, and that infuriated me. Who did these protectors think they were?Yeah. His foot kept up its rhythm against the tire.What? I could tell there was more.He frowned, his eyebrows pulling up in a way that looked sad and worried rather than angry. Its Embry. Hes been avoiding me lately.The thoughts didnt seem connected, but I wondered if I was to blame for the problems with his friend. Youve been hanging out with me a lot, I reminded him, feeling selfish. Id been monopolizing him.No, thats not it. Its not just meits Quil, too, and everyone. Embry missed a week of school, but he was never home when we tried to see him. And when he came back, he looked he looked freaked out. Terrified. Quil and I both tried to get him to tell us what was wrong, but he wouldnt talk to either one of us.I stared at Jacob, biting my lip anxiouslyhe was really frightened. But he didnt look at me. He watched his own foot kicking the r ubber as if it belonged to someone else. The tempo increased.Then this week, out of nowhere, Embrys hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. He was out on the cliffs today. His voice was low and tense.He finally looked at me. Bella, they bugged him even more than they bother me. He didnt want anything to do with them. And now Embrys following Sam around like hes joined a cult.And thats the way it was with Paul. Just exactly the same. He wasnt friends with Sam at all. Then he stopped coming to school for a few weeks, and, when he came back, suddenly Sam owned him. I dont know what it means. I cant figure it out, and I feel like I have to, because Embrys my friend and Sams looking at me funny . . and He trailed off.Have you talked to Billy about this? I asked. His shame was spreading to me. I had chills running on the back of my neck.Now there was anger on his face. Yes, he snorted. That was helpful.What did he say?Jacobs expression was sarcastic, and when he spoke, his voice mocke d the deep tones of his fathers voice. Its nothing you need to worry about now, Jacob. In a few years, if you dont well, Ill explain later. And then his voice was his own. What am I supposed to get from that? Is he trying to say its some stupid puberty, coming-of-age thing? This is something else. Something wrong.He was biting his lower lip and clenching his hands. He looked like he was about to cry.I threw my arms around him instinctively, wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face against his chest. He was so big, I felt like I was a shaver hugging a grown-up.Oh, Jake, itll be okay I promised. If it gets worse you can come live with me and Charlie. Dont be scared, well think of somethingHe was frozen for a second, and then his long arms wrapped hesitantly around me. Thanks, Bella. His voice was huskier than usual.We stood like that for a moment, and it didnt upset me in fact, I felt comforted by the contact. This didnt feel anything like the last time someone had embrace d me this way. This was friendship. And Jacob was very warm.It was strange for me, being this closeemotionally rather than sensually, though the physical was strange for me, tooto another human being. It wasnt my usual style. I didnt normally relate to people so easily, on such a basic level.Not human beings.If this is how youre going to react, Ill freak out more often. Jacobs voice was light, normal again, and his laughter rumbled against my ear. His fingers touched my hair, soft and tentative.Well, it was friendship for me.I pulled away quickly, laughing with him, but inflexible to put things back in perspective at once.Its hard to believe Im two years old(a) than you, I said, emphasizing the word older. You make me feel like a dwarf. Standing this close to him, I really had to crane my neck to see his face.Youre forgetting Im in my forties, of course.Oh, thats right.He patted my head. Youre like a little doll, he teased. A porcelain doll.I rolled my eyes, taking another step a way. Lets not start with the albino cracks.Seriously, Bella, are you sure youre not? He stretched his russet arm out next to mine. The difference wasnt flattering. Ive never seen anyone paler than you well, except for He broke off, and I looked away, trying to not understand what he had been about to say.So are we going to ride or what?Lets do it, I agreed, more enthusiastic than I would have been half a minute ago. His unfinished sentence reminded me of why I was here.